Friday, August 14, 2009

How to Milk a Goat............or Goat Milking 101........

Ok's lesson is.........How to Milk a Goat..........
Here at Goodwife Farm, I prefer Kinders!
Let me have just a minute to take roll............Bueller...............Bueller................Bueller............
Ok ok, now that I've got that out of my system................on to our class!

First off you are going to need a goat..........any goat will do, any goat at all.Um............strike may be best if it were a FEMALE goat.

And it would probably be helpful if she were lactating.

Much like human women, you just can't get much milk out unless they are lactating!

There we go...........that's better.
Now we are ready to milk that goat!

First you need to get your girlie up on the milk stand.
My dad built me this handy dandy milk stand and he only charged me $975.00 not including labor. He's a funny guy my dad!

Ok now that you have bribed your sweet and tractable goat up on the stand with some yummy goatie granola............

You are ready to get started.

You have already gathered up all your milking supplies........your pail.........your bucket of booby wash............your lid to cover that foamy fresh milk.........paper towels........and eeeny weeny dixie cups!

The first thing you need to do is wash those hooters...........

Not yours silly...........the goat's! And please resist the urge to refer to your goat as "Boobs, or Pam". It makes her feel like an object and really is just plain rude!

Then you dry them really good.........nobody wants chapped hooters, not even your goat girl!
You are now READY TO MILK........
I know it's terribly exciting!
Give your girl her serving of goat granola.

She will act like she hasn't eaten in weeks......that's ok......she's a hungry girl, and you know what that's like!

Now you are going to massage those teats. It relaxes her and convinces her that it's ok to let you have her milk instead of trying to keep it for her kids!

Since this is a G-rated blog I'll refrain from showing a photograph of this step!
Sit down beside your goat, in whatever position is comfortable for you.

I like the hunched over, bent up old crone position, but you do whatever works for you!
Now don't be afraid, this is where lesser goodwives can get a little corn-fused, but you can do this!

Grasp the teat (at the top where it joins the udder) with your thumb and forefinger. Be sure to close the teat off completely or the milk will just go back up! Now close the rest of your fingers. Be prepared for the milk to come shooting out........much like it did when that one kid choked on his chocolate milk in Kindergarten! Don't pull down, you aren't pulling the bell chain for the servants! Now just point it down into the milk bucket and you are all set! Get a rhythm going alternating teats as you go. Milk till you can't milk no more and then milk some more. You can develop a bit of a hand cramp if this is your first milking, but you must've got to get all that milk out! When the milk slows down, stop and massage that udder again. Don't feel like you are feeling her's ok.......she needs you to do this so that she will let down all of the milk! Begin milking again and milk till no more milk will come out. And you're all done! Almost...........

Remember those little dixie cups? Go get one and dip it in the bucket of booby wash. Bring it over to your patiently waiting girl and dip each one of her teats in. Now you are done but for one final step!

Please forgive me as I spruced this picture up a bit cause it left a little to be desired, taking a photo of your own hand dipping a teat is harder than it sounds! Here is the most important part of milking............are you ready?

You must remember to UNLOCK YOUR GOAT'S HEAD FROM THE MILKING STAND! This is very very important. Just ask Tulip about the time that she had to stand patiently ALL FREAKIN' DAY LONG with her head stuck in that stanchion because her loser owner FORGOT TO LET HER OUT! Bad bad day here at Goodwife Farm, but luckily Tulip is a good girl and didn't break her neck. She was just very thirsty and had to pee really really bad!

Ok, now you've got a milk pail full of foamy, rich, warm milk.

Cover it with your lid to prevent any stray dust, hair, or bugs from landing in the foam! Take that yummy stuff to the house, strain it, and chill it in an ice bath to get it cold as quick as you can. Now pour yourself a big ole glass and enjoy!

Till next time............GOD BLESS FROM GOODWIFE FARM!

I recycled this post for my first Farm Friend Friday.  It's fun, you should link up and also visit the other bloggers!


  1. very funny! informative too :) thanks for taking us milking with you!

  2. No problem! It was lots of fun to put together! :)

    Have a great day!

  3. That was cute, and I too have forgotten my goat on the stand before! Thankfully it wasn't all day...

  4. as a first time goat owner (I just got my kinder mini herd in July 2009), I finally have 3 lactating mamas. The "getting them up on the table" part was not as easy as it sounds. I had to do it by brute force. They found out they could reach the feed with only their front feet on the table, so that is as far as they wanted to go. Then I found out I had a kicker when I began milking. Do you have any suggestions? About how much time does it usually take you to milk a goat dry? Thanks for the help!

  5. HI-larious! and beautifully done...Whoot! Don't forget to wash the hooters.. hee hee hee hee hee

    I'm too immature..I mean.. too "modest" to actually say "teats" so I just call 'em wanglies.. hee hee hee

    Great work!

  6. Very educational and entertaining for this Philly chick:@)

  7. I am so jealous. I don't have anyone to milk right now.

  8. I loved the way you were so funny and yet educating us non goat owners.Loved the pics too,

  9. Love it... your so funny. Hummm Ive never milked a goat, hope too one day :)

  10. That is great! I have been working on my husband to let me get two milking goats--our son can only drink goat milk and the $5 a pint for raw milk from our local farm is killing me. This gives me more information to venture out into this uncharted territory.

  11. Hi ~ Thanks for posting this fun info! I'll be milking for the first time soon if the girls ever decide to give up those kids (LOL). This info has been very helpful.

    ~ Many Blessings ~

  12. thanks for this post...i have a sneaky feeling i will be doing this soon!!

    God bless~

  13. This is hilarious--I love how you write. I have laughed myself to death and still learned so much. I want goaties so badly and want to have goats milk. I am determined!! :)
    So glad you joined FFF this week!

  14. Found you through OFG's blog and love your sense of humor. We milked for the first time today and afterward I pulled up your tutorial for my wife(let grace off the milkstand before dipping her hooters, oops). We are brand new to goats and they are brand new to us. looking forward to this new chapter on our little farm.

  15. Hey thanks for the info I'm very new to the goat world and this helps. Also very funny keep it up :)

  16. ~ I love that I can still come here to see how you did things with the girls :)


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