How to Milk a Goat............or Goat Milking 101........

Ok kids............today's lesson is.........How to Milk a Goat..........

Here at Goodwife Farm, I prefer Kinders!

Let me have just a minute to take roll............Bueller...............Bueller................Bueller............

Ok ok, now that I've got that out of my system................on to our class!

First off you are going to need a goat..........any goat will do, any goat at all.Um............strike that...........it may be best if it were a FEMALE goat.


And it would probably be helpful if she were lactating.

Much like human women, you just can't get much milk out unless they are lactating!

There we go...........that's better.
Now we are ready to milk that goat!

First you need to get your girlie up on the milk stand.

My dad built me this handy dandy milk stand and he only charged me $975.00 not including labor. He's a funny guy my dad!

Ok now that you have bribed your sweet and tractable goat up on the stand with some yummy goatie granola............

You are ready to get started.

You have already gathered up all your milking supplies........your pail.........your bucket of booby wash............your lid to cover that foamy fresh milk.........paper towels........and eeeny weeny dixie cups!

The first thing you need to do is wash those hooters...........

Not yours silly...........the goat's! And please resist the urge to refer to your goat as "Boobs, or Pam". It makes her feel like an object and really is just plain rude!

Then you dry them really good.........nobody wants chapped hooters, not even your goat girl!

You are now READY TO MILK........

I know it's terribly exciting!

Give your girl her serving of goat granola.

She will act like she hasn't eaten in weeks......that's ok......she's a hungry girl, and you know what that's like!

Now you are going to massage those teats. It relaxes her and convinces her that it's ok to let you have her milk instead of trying to keep it for her kids!

Since this is a G-rated blog I'll refrain from showing a photograph of this step!

Sit down beside your goat, in whatever position is comfortable for you.

I like the hunched over, bent up old crone position, but you do whatever works for you!

Now don't be afraid, this is where lesser goodwives can get a little corn-fused, but you can do this!

Grasp the teat (at the top where it joins the udder) with your thumb and forefinger. Be sure to close the teat off completely or the milk will just go back up! Now close the rest of your fingers. Be prepared for the milk to come shooting out........much like it did when that one kid choked on his chocolate milk in Kindergarten! Don't pull down, you aren't pulling the bell chain for the servants! Now just point it down into the milk bucket and you are all set! Get a rhythm going alternating teats as you go. Milk till you can't milk no more and then milk some more. You can develop a bit of a hand cramp if this is your first milking, but you must persevere........you've got to get all that milk out! When the milk slows down, stop and massage that udder again. Don't feel like you are feeling her up........it's ok.......she needs you to do this so that she will let down all of the milk! Begin milking again and milk till no more milk will come out. And you're all done! Almost...........

Remember those little dixie cups? Go get one and dip it in the bucket of booby wash. Bring it over to your patiently waiting girl and dip each one of her teats in. Now you are done but for one final step!

Please forgive me as I spruced this picture up a bit cause it left a little to be desired, taking a photo of your own hand dipping a teat is harder than it sounds! Here is the most important part of milking............are you ready?

You must remember to UNLOCK YOUR GOAT'S HEAD FROM THE MILKING STAND! This is very very important. Just ask Tulip about the time that she had to stand patiently ALL FREAKIN' DAY LONG with her head stuck in that stanchion because her loser owner FORGOT TO LET HER OUT! Bad bad day here at Goodwife Farm, but luckily Tulip is a good girl and didn't break her neck. She was just very thirsty and had to pee really really bad!

Ok, now you've got a milk pail full of foamy, rich, warm milk.

Cover it with your lid to prevent any stray dust, hair, or bugs from landing in the foam! Take that yummy stuff to the house, strain it, and chill it in an ice bath to get it cold as quick as you can. Now pour yourself a big ole glass and enjoy!

Till next time............GOD BLESS FROM GOODWIFE FARM!

I recycled this post for my first Farm Friend Friday.  It's fun, you should link up and also visit the other bloggers!