Monday, September 14, 2009

Fear raises it's ugly head.......and is squashed by Super Sarah!

Every once in awhile at totally random times, I am gripped by fear. Fear of a 50 lb mechanical buzzard landing by my mailbox? Fear of darling daughter's dog messing all over the carpet? Fear that my refrigerator will come to life and start to eat me? Nope.......not any of those things (not usually anyway). The fear is that I will fail in this weight loss journey yet again. I've lost weight before, lots of times before. Never with WW, but I've lost weight countless times, and countless times I've gained it back. I have said "I'll never get that heavy again" and then whoops, I'm not only THAT heavy, I'm heavier! I have said, "Oh I feel so much better, look so much better, blah blah blah," only to fall flat on my face, usually less than a year later. My weight has ranged from 263 all the way down to 148 (where I resided for about a total of 5 minutes) Losing the weight has never been hard. Keeping it off has proved impossible.

Lately whenever that icy hand of fear has reached out to tickle my heartstrings I have been screeching Begone yon Evil Fiend! Because seriously, if I do fail this time what's the worst that can happen (excluding the obvious health risks)? Will God forsake me, finally washing His hands of me? Will I lose the love of my husband? Will my daughter hate me? Will my family be ashamed of me and never want to be seen with me again? History says no. History says a resounding NO! I am well and truly blessed. God has been so good to me, and will continue to be good to me even when I'm not good to myself. When I ask for help, He is there and He gives it. When I don't ask for help, He is still there with His hand extended and all I have to do is reach up and take it. And sometimes, when I don't reach up and take it, He reaches down and delivers a nice hard smack upside the noggin to get my attention. I don't want Him to have to slap me with diabetes or heart disease!

I am strong. I will be stronger. I am healthy. I will be healthier. I don't want to fail this time, not at all. I feel stronger this round than I ever have before (although I'm sure I've said that before as well) but if I do fail, if I slip back into my old ways and the pounds start to creep back on, I will shout GETONOUTTAHEEYA to my fear, and climb back onto the wagon. Bloody, broken and ragged, I will not quit. I will endeavor to persevere because I am worth it. My family is worth it, my health is worth it and it's high time that I got as faithful to God as He has been to me.
Til next time, I'm holdingthehandofGodunTHICKINandsoprayerfullyTHINNIN!

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