Struggles...............

I've been struggling since early March.  I have good days and bad days.  I'm not entirely sure what is going on. 

I'm not a good multi-tasker.  I have to single-mindedly focus on something in order for it to work.  I think part of my trouble is trying to fit the healthly, fitness buff, body conscience persona in with the homesteading pioneer girl that is the real me.  I just don't equate canning, sewing, gardening, and soap making, with running, lifting weights, and losing weight.  This is a problem in my own perceptions that I have to overcome.  I can be anybody that I want to be.  I can fit all of those things together, I've just got to figure out how. 

When I joined WW back in July, I focused on it 100%.  Everything else suffered.  I didn't do any homemaking/homesteading stuff with the exception of milking from that point on.  My gardening and canning even suffered.  I just can't focus on more than one thing at a time.  Now I want to focus on my homesteading again, and in turn my weight loss is suffering.  Once again, I know this is my own problem.  I have to figure out how to stop the single track that is my mind and get some parallel tracks going!  I just have to change internally to allow this to happen.  I'm sitting here right now eating about my 400th chocolate sandwich cookie with a mug of milk.  Why am I doing this?  I have no idea.  I'm certainly not hungry.  I don't feel sad, or down or anything, but the cookies are there and I have this terrible compulsion to eat them.  I have to stop this madness!  I'm not sure if I'm afraid to lose more weight?  Perhaps that could be it, although I've been thinner than this before.  I'm back to feeling like I have to eat, when I know I don't.  I'm not eating my veggies and whole grains and fruits and I'm feeling it in my energy level.  I haven't exercised for 2 weeks and I'm feeling that as well.  I haven't blogged about it because I felt like what was the point.  I know what to do, I'm just not doing it.  I know myself well enough to know that until I get my head on straight, no amount of tough talk is going to get me right again.  There are no words that can come from someone else, it has to come from within me.  I've got to get the desire back.  I've got to want it and for whatever reason, I don't want it right now. 

I've been thinking about it a great deal.  God gives us all a cross to bear, something we struggle with.  I'm thankful this is my struggle.  It could be so much more.  It could be a sick child, or a failed marriage.  It could be an addiction to drugs or alcohol.  It could be that I were a sex offender, or a child predator, or an out of control gambler, or a murder.  It could be so much more.  What it is is this......I like food.  I like the way it tastes, the way it smells, and the way it looks.  I like to prepare it and I like to eat it.  I like these things a little too much and get obsessive about food at times.  God made me.  He knows this about me.  I've got to give it to Him, and allow Him to have it.  How ridiculous that food is at times more important to me than Him.  Wow, I don't even want to type that, but it is true at times and if I'm thinking it or feeling it, then God already knows so why bother trying to hide it from Him?  My God is bigger than my food addiction.  My God can whip this addiction, I've just got to stop defending it to Him.  Right now I'm like the abused woman who defends her abuser.  God wants to whup the tar outta this thing, but I'm protecting it with the stupidest rationalizations in the world.  It's time to stop.  It's time to let God step in and take control again.  It's time to let it go and let God put that demon back in the brig where it belongs.  It's time to be healthy again.  It's time....

Till next time..........I'm here fighting to be unTHICKINand struggling to get back toTHINNIN!