I'm such a sinner. So evil and rotten and mean and just plain ole' not good. I cuss (although having to pay The Youngun $.50 per word has put a big dent in how much of that I do) I have a wicked wit, a sharp tongue, and sometimes I'm not very compassionate. I'm a do-er and folks who aren't do-ers get on my ever lovin' last nerve. I don't have much sympathy for them. I can be so short with the ones that I love, and my wicked sharp tongue can cut them deep before I even know what I've said. I've got a filter with most things, although the folks who know me will find that hard to believe. It's true though, as outspoken as I am, I don't say 1/10 of what goes through my head! I'm proud (pride is one of the 7 deadlies ya know, but boy I've got bushels of it) and passionate and very vocal about the things I believe in. You get me talking about something I feel strongly about and my blood heats up, I can feel my body temperature rising and even though I don't shout, my voice gets stronger and carries better and if it's something I'm REALLY passionate about I'll sometimes shake. I can be a hard woman and that's not a good thing. Life is black and white to me, either it's right or it's wrong, there is no in between. There is no such thing as "the lesser of two evils" in my mind. It's evil or it ain't and if it's evil then it's evil and you just can't choose to do it!
Anyway, the point of this dissertation into the mind of the Goodwife is this...... I am all of those things I said and more. I'm weak and unworthy and I fail my Lord every single day multiple times over. There is only one thing in this life I'm certain of. There is not a doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, walked this earth, loving, preaching, teaching. Not a doubt in my mind that He willingly went to that cross to die for my evil-ness. Not a doubt in my mind that His death saved me. As full of sin as I am, God made me. He knows me, all the inner evil that I can manage to hide from ever'body else, I can't hide it from God and He loves me anyway!
Yesterday The Youngun and I had to run to town (for the THIRD TIME this week!) and on the way home we were discussing God and Jesus as we so often do. We got to talking about the Crucifixion and what a wonderful gift that was. I told her how when I'm having a bad day I feel so incredibly selfish. What right do I have to think I'm havin' a bad day? Jesus Christ was humiliated, beaten, nailed to a cross and hung there to die, just so we sinners don't have to. THAT my friends was a bad day! Jesus didn't do anything to deserve that, and there is nothing we can do to deserve salvation, but He gives it freely. That's powerful stuff.
Sanctimonius people honk me off. I'm really going to open up here and tell you that I don't go to church. I was raised in church, and The Paintiff and I have gone off and on a few times in our 14 years of marriage, but I don't like the fact that there is a mere human being standing up on a raised platform telling me what a piece of trash I am. Boys and girls, I know I'm a piece of trash, but so are you. So is ever'body who's ever walked this beautiful earth God created for us. There's only been One who was worthy, and He's the one who died for us. Should have been all of us who died for Him, but we weren't even worthy of that, if you understand my meaning. We aren't good enough to die for Him.
Some "Christian" groups scare me to death, with the hate that they spew. That's why you've got to live for the Lord every single day, not just on Sunday. The Jesus that I know loves everybody. He loves Charles Manson, and He loves Ted Bundy, and He loves Ellen Degeneres, and He loves the registered sex offender down the street, the abortion doctor murderin' babies, and the poor misguided woman layin' on the table. He sure doesn't love the behavior, but He loves their soul just ever' bit as much as He loves mine or yours. You know all those sins I just told you I commit, and all the wickedness that lives in my soul and God loves me anyway? Well he loves those folks too. I don't believe there are "degrees" of sin. I believe in God's eyes, sin is sin is sin is sin is sin. I don't believe it's my place to judge folks, or tell them they are livin' wrong. I tell ever'body I know about my love for Jesus, as does The Youngun and The Paintiff. In my mind the very best two ways to witness to folks are by living and loving Jesus ever' day and instead of tellin' them what's wrong with them tell 'em what's wrong with you, cuz brother we've all got material there. Urge them to read the Bible and figure it out for themselves. You'll never ever have a rock solid relationship with Jesus until you've been face down with your nose resting right on the floor, crying your heart out to Him. You can go to church every single Sunday and sing the hymns and shout Amen's and put your money in the collection plate and quote the Bible with the best of them but until you've stripped your soul bare and given it all over to Jesus, until you've given up every last bit of control to Him, until you've said with your soul, not just your mouth that you are a worthless sinner, you are cheating yourself out of a really awesome thing.
I used to be a little bit afraid of dying. When I was a young teenager, I used to cry every year on my birthday because I just knew I was going to die on my birthday. A few years ago I was in bed sleeping and I had the most beautiful vision. I was in flowing white robes and my hair was all down my back. I was walking in the most beautiful garden I've ever seen in and I came upon an old man sitting by a huge old tree next to a small pool. He was old and white haired and had on white robes and he had a twisted wooden staff. He didn't say a word to me, but the feeling of peace that came over me was just amazing. I was flooded and I didn't want to leave. I truly didn't want to wake up and leave that place. Of course I did wake up and I knew then and I know now that I'd had a glimpse of Heaven. I've not been afraid of dying since. I actually look forward to sitting next to that pond with that old man again. Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly want to die just right now. I've got lots of living to do yet, but if God decides to call me home, brother I'm ready to go. I've got my bags always packed! The Youngun has said to me, Mama I don't want you to die. To which I reply, Well I'm gonna someday, when God calls me home, but I'll be waitin' in Heaven there for you. The Youngun isn't afraid of death either because she knows it's just another step and she's got a long list of topics she's like to talk about with the folks who've gone on!
Wow............I should probably stop there and perhaps another day God will put some more stuff on my heart and my mind to share. If I've offended anybody....well....I have to do what God puts on my heart, regardless of who I might upset. I do like debate though, so if you'd like to leave any comments, positive or negative, well that's all right with me. As long as you are respectful, I'll leave them up! ;)
Till next time.........God Bless!