Thursday, December 10, 2009

Survivor Guilt??

My demon and I have been together for a long while now. Sometimes he's at the helm, sometimes I'm at the helm, and sometimes we are both standing on the deck, battling each other with cutlass at dawn, desperate to retain control! The longest that I've ever been commandant of the ship is about a year. Then he totally mutinies and keelhauls me and it takes me forever to get my poor bloodied body pulled back out of the water and ON the ship, let alone ready to take control. This time is different though. This time, with the nutritional education that Weight Watchers is giving me, and the support of my online WW's buddies and my real life support system (Thanks Sissy and Darling Deb!) and the wonderful therapy that is blogging, I've got that dirty SOB hog tied with duct tape over his mouth and he's currently rotting in the brig!! I'm not about to say that the sneaky little POS won't wiggle his way out, rip off the duct tape and with a mighty roar of WHAT'D YOU SAY FATTIE, leap out of the hold to wrestle me for the helm once more, but I am confident in saying that I'm fitter, faster, and yeah pretty much downright meaner this time and I think I can take him!!

Now having said all that something has been tickling me lately and I think it's his latest way of f*ck!ng up my program so to speak. All day yesterday I browsed the WW's community. I got caught up on my friend's blogs, read some posts on the groups, and read some status updates. I got sadder and sadder and sadder. I couldn't figure out why. I was having a good day, organizing and wrapping Christmas presents, drinking my hot tea, working on my quilt, but my mind just got "not right". I chewed and stewed and thought about this all last night. I talked to hubs about it and finally I decided that I have to blog about it, for good or ill, or I'm not going to feel better. The bright part in this whole saga is that I didn't ONCE want to eat over it. Never occurred to me, but boy did I want to figure it out so I could feel better! Here is my latest disclaimer.........this may offend some. I hope not as it isn't about you, it's about me and working through this feeling that I have. It may be a way off base feeling, completely foundless, but it's a feeling nonetheless and I've got to deal with it. Perhaps I'm even a conceited hag and it's totally groundless, but nevertheless I've gotta get it out! Whew, now that that's out of the way.....on to the problem!!

I think I have "survivor guilt" so to speak. This program is working just fabulously for me. I'm getting fit, strong and healthy. I'm consistently losing weight, although I do have a small gain once in awhile, I just ignore it and keep doing what I'm doing because I know that I'm doing the right stuff. Small gains happen and it's not a big deal to me. I lift weights, I jog (thanks C25K) and I'm in the best shape that I've even been in my life even with 40 lbs to go! As I said, I was reading some blogs yesterday and some status updates about how some of my friends are struggling right now. My heart goes out to you/them! I feel guilty because I'm not struggling. As some of you know, on Thanksgiving I ate to my heart's content because the food tasted good not for any other reason, and the next day I was out jogging at 7 AM and right back on track. This is the first time that I've even been able to do something like that. In my prior weight loss efforts (before WW's and blogging), if I so much as ate a candybar, it was all over! It took me weeks to get that b@$tard demon locked back up and myself back in control. I don't really know why this time is different, other than I'm focusing on getting fit and healthy instead of on what the scale says, and I have my support system. I don't know if that's it or if I'm just really ready.

I feel the need to defend myself and the fact that I'm not struggling. I don't like that feeling, and it isn't rational, but it's there all right! I'm a SAHM, as most of you know. That makes it easier for me, as I can prepare good wholesome food for myself and alot of times I prepare myself a whole separate supper! I know that would be difficult if not impossible if I were working. So now, I'm putting myself down for doing what I love which is being a SAHM and Homesteader!! Good grief, sometimes I'm so nutty that you could whip me and spread me on a piece of bread....whole grain of course!

I feel the need to constantly remind people that losing weight has never been hard for me (which is very true). It's the keeping it off that I struggle with. So even though I'm losing at a nice pace, I feel terrible because MY struggle is in keeping the weight off. That is most likely when I am going to fall apart. Perhaps not this time, perhaps I'll remember to keep an armed guard in front of the door to the brig with orders of, if the pr!ck moves, shoot to kill! I can just see myself, dressed up like the rebel leader girl in the movie The Rundown......with the bullets bandoliered over my ample chest and my machine gun at the ready...but wait, I digress. I just needed to get all this off my chest, outta my heart, and in the water. I know that I don't check in as often as I used to, and I don't post on AG anymore, but I care about you all so much. You are all in my prayers, every day, and my thoughts more often than not. We are in this together and like any survivors the strong can carry the weak, and when the strong fall, hopefully the weak will have recovered enough to carry them for awhile.

God Bless, stay strong and focused!

Till next time........I'm unTHICKINandsoTHINNIN!


  1. You are doing awesome! I lost about 70 lbs seven years ago. I used WW to control my food and the gym to control everything else! Due to life, I've put on about 30 lbs now. My motivation is lacking but reading about your focus may give the the kick I need to get on my treadmill.

  2. Thank you so much for commenting! I loved reading about how you did the 5 K recently. I haven't done one yet. I'm still only covering about 2 miles in 30 minutes, but now I'm working on increasing my speed. Thanks again!


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