Falling Off the Wagon and Rolling Down the Hill..........Or What I did For Summer Vacation

Since March 3, 2010 I've been on a roller coaster ride of my own making. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't sometimes fun, alternating with scary, back to fun, and then to what the holy chopsticks am I doing? Things didn't get really bad until May 18, 2010 when I wrote in the notes section of my points tracker that I felt unsettled, like I was at a crossroads in my life and The Paintiff felt it too. That was my last weigh in until this morning. I've been a baaad baaad girl. As I stated in the title, I fell off the wagon. Let's be frank here folks, I jumped off the wagon of my own free will and with wildly gleeful abandon I did a graceful tuck and roll then slalomed down that hill with a wild rebel yell echoing round! I knew what I was doing and did it anyway.

For the past few days I've been feeling the urge to catch up to the wagon and pull myself back on. As I was tooling around last night on the lawnmower with my iPod singing to me about Carolina in my Mind, I was having yet another discussion with myself about what I wanted to do. Did I want to rejoin the WW'ers train, was I ready? Or was I having way too much fun riding with the James gang (haha, get it, I was just singing along with James Taylor), robbing pastry trucks and stuffing my face? Hmmm, I have been having fun. There I said it, I don't feel bad, I'm not beating myself up, I'm not mad at myself or anything. I suppose that indicates that I've got deeper problems than I think I do, but it did hit me, my moment of epiphany............it doesn't matter if I WANT to. It doesn't matter if this is more fun. I've got it to do. Like going to the dentist, or saints preserve us the gynecologist, I have to do this. Being overweight isn't good for me, just like ovarian cancer or rotted teeth aren't good for me, so I have to do this.

So I'm sure the question of the day is this........how much damage did ya do Goodwife? How much weight did your wonderful spree of childish wanton-ness cost you? Wait.....do ya really, really wanna know? Really?? Ok, I'm up 27 lbs. Yup, I had lost 49 and now I've gained 27. But guess what? I'm still me. I'm still beautiful, funny and fabulous. My husband still loves me and can't wait to get me nekkid. My daughter loves me and my friends love me and most importantly I still love me. Ya wanna know why? Because this is part of who I am. Just like having hazel eyes, brown hair, a pointy chin, being a good listener and wicked funny in a mean way, struggling with weight is part of what makes me me. Therefore if I love me, I have to love all of me including my weaknesses.

I'm back. Is it for good? Who knows! I'd like to think that one day I'll beat this thing. Maybe this time I'll actually make it to goal. Wonder of wonders, maybe one day I'll make it to goal and manage to stay there for more than 5 minutes! I don't know what the future will bring. I only know this.........God loves me, I love me, and my family loves me, through thick or thin, bad or good, and when it's all said and done, I want it to say on my tombstone that I was a good wife, a great mother and a trusted friend. I don't think it will say what I weighed!

Till next time.......